Depression, That

nostalgic dark maw -

it kisses and cuts.

The sharp-edged

lack of focus, no

sleep week is

crushing me;

yet the sad

and the sorry

come together

come to hold me -

warm and wet

is the comfort

of madness.

(I am Sadness)

and the jaws of sad

of grief

and death

all clench the same and release in time.

Could I get a little synchronicity, though? Belly, my sweet cat companion for the last thirteen years, has a big lump on her hip. She suddenly lost a lot of weight and I discovered an irregularly shaped, firm mass on her hipbone. Aaron and I took her to an emergency vet appointment, where they took samples of the lump and sent them to cytology. The vet is pretty sure it's cancer. Based on how quickly she lost weight and how suddenly huge the lump is, we're concerned it's aggressive. We're not made of money, but we're delving into our savings to try and take care of my kitty. We opted to just send samples to cytology, because if we also ran panels and took x-rays, we couldn't afford a treatment option. I've been a wreck. I'm bursting into tears at random, waking up struggling to breathe from the panic, hardly sleeping. I'm having a hard time eating anything that isn't sweet - I remember to eat cheesecake and drink sweetened coffee, but forget to make myself a sandwich. I'm trying to remember to take care of myself, but Depression has firmly gripped me in its jaws.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of our final beach trip with Eddie, my father-in-law. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of his passing. I'm yearning to go to the beach, but I can barely get my ass to work. Being away from my cat is almost impossible for me right now. The urge to be in the ocean is equally as overwhelming as the grief that keeps bubbling up. Grief for Eddie, grief for my great-grandmother, grief for the eventual end that must come for Belly. I'm trying to remember that we don't have the lab results yet, and therefore don't have a prognosis, and that this could be something benign and easily managed, but Grief has firmly gripped me in its jaws.

I am feeling pretty thoroughly chewed.



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